Should We (Not) Follow the Advice of the Galactically Stupid
by I.C. Weener
Summary: I bet you know what my answer is going to be.


" _Court's adjourned."_

\- Judge Dredd

* * *

The royal engineering corps was ready to commence digging. Zelda was closely studying the prophecy written on an ancient crumbling parchment with childlike awe. The Gerudo, Goron, Zora, and Rito Champions were discussing the future ahead of them. The Hylian Champion—as always—was completely silent.

"I don't get it," Revali grumbled with serious doubts.

"What's bothering you, Revali?" Zelda turned to him curiously.

"You signed me on board for this job because I'm the most untouchable sniper throughout all of Hyrule, right?" Revali asked as he scratched his head.

"Yeah?" Zelda chirped innocently.

"The wind could instantly carry me to any perch in the world at a moment's notice and let me rain swooping death on every enemy who dares get in my way, right?"

"Uh-huh!" Zelda nodded along.

"And you want me park my feathers dead-center on the side of a stationary mountain inside of a giant immobile hunk of metal and hope everything works out okay for me."

"Isn't it a marvelous plan?" Zelda asked optimistically and starry-eyed. Revali buried his beak in his wing and shook his head, groaning.

"I'm the same way about all of this," Daruk said. "I spent my whole life learning how to wield this club that can topple continents. Now you're asking me to toss it aside and learn how to pilot this iguana thing,"

"Salamander," Urbosa staunchly interrupted to correct him.

"Whatever," Daruk shrugged. "Doesn't it just seem a little… counterproductive? And these big bug thingamajigs..."

"Guardians!" Zelda whimsically exclaimed.

"Walking curses waiting to happen is what I call them," Daruk said grimly.

"Huh?" Zelda blinked. Her ears drooped downward.

"You're asking to have a thousand of these things up and walking around and shooting lasers left and right and putting all of our own troops in jeopardy with their stray fire, and that's if they _don't_ short out from old wiring. Let them stay in the dirt, I say. Rocks are good for eatin', not animatin' themselves and blasting cannon fire all over the place."

"Well, what do you say, Urbosa?" Zelda turned to the Gerudo Champion for support.

"I didn't make a vow to your mother to spend the rest of my days closely guarding you by your side just so I can run off by myself to the middle of nowhere and ride around on a camel," were Urbosa's feelings on the matter. She ended her statement with a small agitated grunt.

Zelda turned to the Hylian Champion.

"What about you, Link? The Master Sword chose you. You must have some kind of idea what to do."

Link replied by simply shrugging, completely emotionally detached from the events currently occurring around him.

"Forget about the robots," Rito, Daruk, and Urbosa mumbled in unison.

"But they're right here in the prophecy!" Zelda insisted as she pointed to the ancient parchment. "Lady Hylia _demands_ that you pilot the Divine Beasts while the Guardians support you!"

Mipha, the caring and level-headed negotiator of the team standing ever so closely at Link's side like sea anemone with a clownfish, quietly spoke up.

"Princess, may I see that for a moment?"

"Of course you can, Princess!" Zelda happily obliged.

Mipha ever so delicately lifted the scroll from Zelda's hands. She closely inspected it front and back. She turned it sideways and squinted as she silently recited the mysterious writings. She was careful not to damage the priceless artifact in the slightest.

Then Mipha tore a third of the scroll to pieces with her bare claws, tossed the pieces into the dirt, impaled the dirt with her magic trident, and sent all of those soothsayings and fortunetellings from the dark and forgotten past straight up into the endless blue sky on the foam of a colossal water geyser.

"There," Mipha said cheerfully as she handed the remaining scroll back to Zelda. "Now the Guardians and the Divine Beasts aren't part of the prophecy."

"B-b-but how will we prepare to fight Ganon now?" Zelda whimpered in confusion.

Revali turned to Daruk. The Rito Champion crossed his wings, tilted his head, and simply said to his burly companion, "Training arc?"

"Training arc," Daruk quickly nodded in agreement.

And so the world was saved and the Great Calamity never happened.

The End.

* * *

 _Author's note: I'm a fair guy but this fucking heat is driving me absolutely crazy._


End file.
